I Slept With a Squirrel All Summer

Yup, a squirrel. And if you’re really keeping score, there are no squirrels in Winnie the Pooh. This was not a stuffed animal.  This was a real, not animated, live squirrel.

I returned home from a trip to San Francisco last night, exhausted and stuffed with overpriced airport trail mix.  Whilst unpacking, I noticed a slightly shredded towel on the floor near my window.  Too weary to think much of it, I scooped it up and threw it in the trash.  I finished unpacking, turned on my little bedside fan, and went to sleep.

Nothing eventful happened yesterday evening except that I unknowingly slept with a squirrel.

I got home from work today on this beautiful late September evening and went to pull back the curtain and open my bedroom window a bit more.  I had left it open a crack more than usual, to accommodate the AC tubing that has been sticking out of it all summer.  I threw back the curtain, the “temporary” one I bought at Target for $10 three years ago, and was met with this:

Well, almost, except the squirrel in my window (God how I wish this sentence was “doggy in the window”) wasn’t lucky enough to have a taco. Or crepe, or whatever the hell the adorable little monster above has…

I screamed. Loud and profane. “OH #$)*@&!”  There was a squirrel INSIDE the grate of my window. Like, nothing between the squirrel and me.  Or the squirrel and the entirety of my apartment.  If you need a refresher on the setup of my window and the fire escape and the grate and the lack of a screen, please see this lovely self-burglary  post I wrote a while back.  Pictures and all.

The squirrel also squeaked “OH #$)*@&!” and went slithering out the minuscule gap-I-have-never-even-thought-twice-about between the hinge of the grate and the window frame.  Essentially, the swinging gate does not fully cover the window, frame to frame.  The squirrel, clearly smarter than I, took full advantage of this.  There, nestled inside the grate and outside of the sometimes open glass window pane, was the squirrel’s Tempur-pedic bed of towels.  Or towel, to be exact, as there were formerly two but I had thrown away the first last night.

A cozy spot, if I do say so myself.  Hell, possibly cozier than my own Bob-o-pedic mattress! Or, it would’ve been, had the towel not been shredded to bits and covered with seeds.  This is getting gross…  It’s all true.

Why the towel, you might ask.  Conveniently for the squirrel, the tubing on my R2-D2-looking air conditioning unit, also only stretches across 3/4 of the window. So, like the true daughter of a father who singlehandedly built a two story tree house, a multi-level deck, and completely remodeled our kitchen and living room… I shoved two towels in there to cover the gap, prevent cold air from escaping my room, and save the planet.  The squirrel, again, took full advantage of his (it was a dude squirrel, I know it and you know it) opportunity.  Hmm, maybe I should be taking life lessons from this critter…

I grabbed the longest object I could find.  In this case, a three foot piece of wood I use as a security bar, and proceeded to investigate.

Items used in my investigation and extermination of the squirrel bed: wooden security bar, screw driver, loud banging on window and grate (to make sure there were no hungover friends still in there), half a paper towel, a blow dryer, two 10 lb dumbbells, a New York Liberty lanyard with clips on either side, a piece of poor R2-D2 AC unit I broke off after dismantling, small bedside fan.

What I have concluded: This damned squirrel made himself a cozy little home as described, between the grate (on the INSIDE) and the window pane which I would sometimes (OFTEN) lift on a nice day and leave somewhat open!  This home was probably made even cozier at night by the fact that the AC unit blows HOT air out the tubing & out the window.  This freaking critter had central heating! Though I’m not entirely sure why he wanted that in the dead of an NYC summer. But, dammit, he got it.  A bachelor pad! He even had the Christmas lights down below ringing my neighbors’ patio, which I’m sure he romantically pointed out to his little squirrel tinder dates.  He probably made a fortune renting the place out on Airbnb.  And the whole dang time, we were literally sharing a room because there was often NOTHING preventing him from simply hopping into my bedroom at night.

I don’t know how long he shacked up but let’s just say there were a LOT of seeds and that towel was ripped to shreds.  This dude must have wanted more for himself than the garbage-can-dwelling squirrels of the University of Delaware, who used to come flying at me outta the can like a jack-in-the-box when I tossed any scrap of food/napkin/Chick fil a wrapper.  He built himself a little penthouse.  Didn’t pay any rent either.

As I wrap this up, two things come to mind:

1. This grate/fire escape situation really has been a lot more “fun” than originally anticipated upon move in. Again, see Saturday Night. Or How I Ended Up With 2 Orders of Thai Food, -1 Bottle of Champagne, and 1/2 a Fork.
2. The first towel, the one I found yesterday evening and threw away… it was IN my room.  Inside of my room. On the floor. About 2 feet from the window.  How the HELL did it get in there?    Don’t answer that.

Squirrel, if you’re reading this from your friend’s couch, a few things: I’m sorry I had to dismantle your bachelor pad.  I daresay that with your resourcefulness, you’ll have a new one up and running in no time. (I hear Sunset Park West is on the rise.)  Also, I’m sorry, but you’ll never be able to replace my New Zealand mouse friend.  And finally, if you’re still in my room, can you please keep it down tonight?  I really need my beauty sleep…